The first Play "Waiting For Gonorrhoea"

WAITING FOR GONORRHOEA

CHARACTERS, in order of Appearance:
Man in kitchen with headache
Soldier 1
Soldier 2

ACT I - Kitchen in a dark house, a man is seen reaching into the cabinet above the cooker and pulling out a glass. He fills the glass with water, puts something in his mouth and takes a drink. The rest of the kitchen is almost blacked out apart from the area around the man.

ACT I - Kitchen in a dark house

MAN IN KITCHEN WITH HEADACHE:"I woke up at five this morning and staggered downstairs with a raging headache. I found the aspirin and swallowed a handful. Something weird had happened…I'd heard footsteps on the stairs, heard doors opening and shutting and incessant whispering in the hall. I knew I was the only one in the house, but still it was weird. At least the footsteps had stopped, and the opening and closing of doors, but I could still hear the whispering."

(Man in kitchen with headache moves over to far side of kitchen and the light fades to black. As the light fades a spotlight picks out the corner near the door and we see two figures crouching there dressed as soldiers)

SOLDIER 1:"Do you think we should?"

SOLDIER 2:"Should what?"

SOLDIER 1:"Should we set the tent up here?"

SOLDIER 2:"Shouldn't we make sure that the general can find his way back?"

SOLDIER 1:"I'm not worried about him but I am worried about his horse, at least I think I'm worried about his horse"

SOLDIER 2:"You look tired now, why don't you go to sleep?"

SOLDIER 1:"OK, I will"

SOLDIER 2:"Yeah, well if I'm in time maybe the general will give me his daughter…..hmmmmm……….yes…..his daughter….I could do a lot with his daughter"

SOLDIER 1:"Yeah, well, you have his daughter and I'll have his horse, I could do a lot with his horse"

SOLDIER 2:"You're sick!"

SOLDIER 1:"Yes, I have syphilis"

SOLDIER 2:"Really?"

SOLDIER 1:"Yes, it's great, makes me glad to be alive"

SOLDIER 2:"Excellent"

SOLDIER 1:"Goodnight"

SOLDIER 2:"Yeah, goodnight, see you tomorrow"

SOLDIER 1:"Yeah, we can sit here and wait for gonorrhoea"