New

Now that really was a pause - and too be honest there isn't really anything to report - hmmmmmmmm

Well that was a long pause ! Now I am back and can continue the tragic, yet somehow amusing, story of the late great A H Cronoly.

Here is the interview - short and sweet whilst being a clear view into the mind of A H Cronoly. It was conducted in a small restaurant at the bottom of Leamington Spa in warwickshire

Int: So Mr Cronoly, how are you today?

AHC: Fine

Int:Good, good, I would like to start by asking what has it been like to be Alistair H Cronoly?

AHC:Fine

Int:And can you let us into the secret of your success, what drove you to become the man of letters, comedy, music and intrigue that you are?

AHC:I, uh, I ..........(shouts to waiter) Can I get another coffee?......(returns his attention to the interview) .....er....is this going to take much longer? You are paying for my lunch aren't you?

Int:Yes, yes, we are paying for your lunch......er....so ....what were your inspirations as a young man?

AHC:Well, I watched a lot of telly and was very fond of dangermouse as a child and I always wanted to stay up late and watch the sweeney but I wasn't allowed to so that was a bit annoying and then I discovered that as I had no friends I should probably start writing so I didn't get too bored and go mental

Int: I see....er.....and what do you consider to be your finest achievement to date?

AHC: Not being a junkie

Int: Right..have you any advice for those fans of yours out there?

AHC: Don't become junkies....is that it? only I have to catch a bus now...so I will be off.....thanks for the lunch and stuff

Int: Mr Cronoly.....Mr Cronoly........Mr........bugger, he's gone..........although he seems to have left this book here and it looks like his diary.....maybe I should return it.........or maybe.......oh bugger I have left the tape recorder on .............

And next time...................

I think it's time to again delve into the life and times of this great man. So watch this space, the next installment will be an in-depth interview with the man described by some as "Alistair H Cronoly" and by others as "who?".....................

Another classic Play from A. H. Cronoly

THE END OF THE WORLD
CHARACTERS, in order of Appearance:

FIGURE 1

FIGURE 2

ACTS, SCENES & BRIEF DESCRIPTIONS:ACT I -A small hill, with a tree. Leaning against the base of the tree are two figures

ACT I - [We start with a darkened stage. We hear a radio broadcast about the impending end of the world. Slowly the radio is faded out and replaced by the sound of panicked voices and screams. More than one voice yells words along the lines of "Repent, the end of the world is nigh". As these fade out the lights are brought up to reveal two figures leaning against the base of a tree]

FIGURE #1:Well, I reckon we should go a find us a couple of prostitutes. Might as well go out with a smile on our faces

FIGURE #2:Nah, don't think they'd be working tonight of all nights. Let's just sit and watch the world burn.

FIGURE #1:Good idea. How long d'ya reckon we got?

FIGURE #2: [holding his hand up with his fingers and thumbs spread out]
About 5 hours or so.

FIGURE #1:I know what we should do

FIGURE #2:What?

FIGURE #1:Take these drugs and get wasted.

[They stop talking and concentrate on rolling joints and chopping lines of cocaine. They snort the coke noisily, light the joints and continue their conversation]

FIGURE #1:Hey, d'ya remember Davy?

FIGURE #2:Davy? You mean that tosser that got himself killed on the wasteland behind the tip?

FIGURE #1:Nah, Davy Spence. Started a band. Electrocuted himself while playing guitar at a gig

FIGURE #2:Oh, that tosser. Well?

FIGURE #1:Well what?

FIGURE #2:Well what about him?

FIGURE #1:Who?

FIGURE #2:Davy Spence, what about him?

FIGURE #1:Nothing. Just wondered if you remembered him

FIGURE #2:Christ, you should stop taking drugs.

FIGURE #1:Yeah, I figure I'll be giving them up in about five hours. How about you, what are you gonna give up for the end of the world

FIGURE #2:Life

[Lights immediately go down]

The 2nd Play "WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?"

WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?

CHARACTERS, in order of Appearance:Soldier The Voice

ACT I - Battlefield, there is the sound of gunfire, a soldier falls to the floor wounded

ACT 1 - Battlefield

THE SOLDIER: "Oh my god"

A deep voice from above replies

THE VOICE: "To whom are you referring?"

THE SOLDIER: "My god"

THE VOICE: "Well there are a lot of us here and it would be most helpful if you could refer to us by name"

THE SOLDIER (confused): "But god's name is god"

THE VOICE: "Ah, but is it Barry God or Charles God? Is it Matilda God or Jane God? It would at least help to know if it was male or female"

THE SOLDIER: "Er...Do we have to go through all this? I'm dying here"

THE VOICE: "Well if you want someone to help we need to get the right one, don't we?"

THE SOLDIER: "Oh ok, I suppose it's a male god, at least that's what I've been led to believe"

THE VOICE: "Well that narrows it down"

THE VOICE shouts as if to a room full of people: "All women gods to leave the room"

He talks to the soldier again

THE VOICE: "So, has he got long hair or short hair?"

THE SOLDIER (in a pained voice): "Er...long hair..look this really hurts, could we hurry it up a bit?"

THE VOICE shouts as if to a room full of people again: "All men with short hair leave the room"

He talks to the soldier again

THE VOICE: "what did you say?"

THE SOLDIER: "Could we speed it up a bit?"

THE VOICE: "Yes, yes. Now does he wear glasses?"

THE SOLDIER (exasperated): "How in god's name do I know?"

THE VOICE: "Well, does he have a moustache?"

THE SOLDIER: "What?"

THE VOICE: "Does he have a moustache?"

THE SOLDIER: "Yes he definitely has a moustache, now can I get some spiritual help?"

THE VOICE shouts as if to a room full of people again: "All those with moustaches stay in the room, the rest of you leave"

He talks to the soldier again

THE VOICE:"Now then, nearly there. Does he have a limp?"

THE SOLDIER: "How the fuck should I know whether he has a limp...er ..no he doesn't have a limp. Now can I get some fucking help down here?"

THE VOICE shouts as if to a room full of people again: "All those with limps leave the room"

He talks to the soldier again

THE VOICE:"Ah we are only left with one, so this must be your god."

The Voice talks to the last god left in the room

THE VOICE: "What's your name?"

We hear no answer but the voice carries on

THE VOICE:"Ah, I see er.hmmmm. How silly of me, should have known really"

He talks to the soldier again

THE VOICE: "Er it would appear that I am your God , my name is, funnily enough, God God, so it seems that you were in fact calling for the right one all along."

There is no response from the soldier

THE VOICE: "I say young man did you hear me .. Oh .ah..I see you're dead now. Ah well never mind, maybe you'll be luckier in your next life"

The first Play "Waiting For Gonorrhoea"

WAITING FOR GONORRHOEA

CHARACTERS, in order of Appearance:
Man in kitchen with headache
Soldier 1
Soldier 2

ACT I - Kitchen in a dark house, a man is seen reaching into the cabinet above the cooker and pulling out a glass. He fills the glass with water, puts something in his mouth and takes a drink. The rest of the kitchen is almost blacked out apart from the area around the man.

ACT I - Kitchen in a dark house

MAN IN KITCHEN WITH HEADACHE:"I woke up at five this morning and staggered downstairs with a raging headache. I found the aspirin and swallowed a handful. Something weird had happened…I'd heard footsteps on the stairs, heard doors opening and shutting and incessant whispering in the hall. I knew I was the only one in the house, but still it was weird. At least the footsteps had stopped, and the opening and closing of doors, but I could still hear the whispering."

(Man in kitchen with headache moves over to far side of kitchen and the light fades to black. As the light fades a spotlight picks out the corner near the door and we see two figures crouching there dressed as soldiers)

SOLDIER 1:"Do you think we should?"

SOLDIER 2:"Should what?"

SOLDIER 1:"Should we set the tent up here?"

SOLDIER 2:"Shouldn't we make sure that the general can find his way back?"

SOLDIER 1:"I'm not worried about him but I am worried about his horse, at least I think I'm worried about his horse"

SOLDIER 2:"You look tired now, why don't you go to sleep?"

SOLDIER 1:"OK, I will"

SOLDIER 2:"Yeah, well if I'm in time maybe the general will give me his daughter…..hmmmmm……….yes…..his daughter….I could do a lot with his daughter"

SOLDIER 1:"Yeah, well, you have his daughter and I'll have his horse, I could do a lot with his horse"

SOLDIER 2:"You're sick!"

SOLDIER 1:"Yes, I have syphilis"

SOLDIER 2:"Really?"

SOLDIER 1:"Yes, it's great, makes me glad to be alive"

SOLDIER 2:"Excellent"

SOLDIER 1:"Goodnight"

SOLDIER 2:"Yeah, goodnight, see you tomorrow"

SOLDIER 1:"Yeah, we can sit here and wait for gonorrhoea"

A COLLECTION OF VERY SHORT PLAYS